Hello failure, my old friend

August has been a month of personal failures.

I’ve had a grand total of two beers this evening (which is enough to make me less-than-sober) so I thought I’d share them with you:

Love Life

In my decaying love life, I saw the boy I used to fancy (/still 98% sure I’d have his children if asked).

We were on a night out and I tried to impress him by telling him I read the newspaper where he now works. I accidentally mentioned that I have a stack of them, unopened on my side. He took this to mean I find them boring (which, naturally, I do) and I had to backtrack and call them ‘really dense reads’. Needless to say, we didn’t leave the club together.

On a separate occasion, I kissed a lovely tall man in a club but he was so tall that I couldn’t hear what he was saying. We didn’t click and he smudged my red lipstick across my face. Then, when my face looked prostitute clown-like, I bumped into the boy who chucked me when I was 16. Needless to say, he didn’t want to go home with me either.

Family life

In my home life, I tried and failed to give my mum the best birthday ever.

Not only did I accidentally get her a naff present (a manicure that took the lady two hours and all chipped off within two days) but I messed up her cake.

Let me be clear, I cannot bake. I know this, so I took precautions and invested in a Betty Crocker cake mix. Sadly, I used the wrong oil (who knew that was so important?) and didn’t oil the pans enough, so the cake didn’t rise and was stuck to the cake tins. In the end, it was a gloopy puddle and 2/3 of it was chocolate icing.

Driving test

And now, to top it off, I have failed my driving test. For the fifth time. I feel like a woman whose fifth marriage has just been brought to an abrupt end. Maybe I walked in on him shagging our dog sitter (kidding, I’m terrified of dogs).

But, seriously. The first time I failed my test was annoying, but the silver lining was I felt like Cher in Clueless. Four years and five tests later, I’m sick of the rejection. I get enough of that on Bumble.

A Turning Point

I spent today crying and then going to the cinema on my own. I won’t lie, it was hugely enjoyable and 10/10 would recommend to a friend. Especially when I got to flirt with the man who sells tickets. He gave me a Premiere seat for the usual ticket price (aware he probably did that because there were only three other people in my screen, but I’d like to pretend he fancied me).

The Plan

Starting tomorrow, I will adopt new positive outlook. Shall see all failures as a route to success. Will read self-help books and write inspirational quotes on Post-it’s or even on my Insta story (apologies in advance).

But for now, I’m quite content in my pity party.

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